Products & Innovations

Military Grade Defense Turret

The Aperture Science Sentry Turret is our most popular product in both the private and public sector. Equipped with a long-range motion detection laser, the Turret will open fire on anyone and anything that crosses its path.

Upon finding a target, the Turret deploys two rapid-fire guns from its chassis. Unlike conventional weapons, the Turret will fire the whole bullet; 65% more bullet per bullet!

Aperture’s Sentry Turret is great with kids. In response to any crying and/or fussing, our Turrets are programmed to play soft, mood-calming melodies and sing gentle lullabies. You’ll never lose another night of sleep again.

The Turret also comes in a wide variety of designer colors, including forest, desert, paint splatter, clown fish, sprinkle, wood grain, penguin, and brick.

The Aperture Science Military Grade Defense Turret is available now through special catalog order! For more information on pricing and payment plans, contact your local Aperture Laboratories representative.

Attention

The following products are still undergoing constant tests and reviews. Products may or may not release to market. All products © Aperture Laboratories 1998.

Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device

The Aperture Science dual portal device can create two small portals, leading from point A to point B, and vice versa. It’s so revolutionary, it’s like witchcraft, except it’s not! It’s science! (Any employees or sceientists found engaging in witchcraft will be fired and dismissed on the spot.) Currently, the only substance known to conduct portals is moon rock. Not only are moon rocks expensive, they’re also incredibly toxic. Research is underway to find a replacement portal conductor.

The dual portal device is not a toy! Extensive research shows that test subjects who lack problem solving skills come into problems which may or may not prove fatal. Aperture Labs carries out continuous testing of the dual portal device 24/7 to ensure no fatal flaws remain.

The technology behind it is highly confidential and will remain undisclosed to the public. We really don’t need Black Mesa ripping us off again.

Are you brave enough to help figure out the future? See our jobs page for volunteer opportunities and candidate requirements.

Cooperative Testing Initiative Androids

You cannot trust a human being to carry out work without the temptation of being lazy, needy, or selfish. Do robots get hungry? Never! Do robots ever ask for breaks? Absolutely not. This is what makes robots the perfect candidates for replacing human labor.

At Aperture Laboratories, we’re undergoing a series of rigorous trust exercises between two sentient androids. Tests include, but not limited to, trial usage of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, exercises entertaining life-or-death situations, and real-world applications of problem solving and mathematics.

These robots are forced to spend every waking moment together. Separation of these bots is strictly prohibited. We need them to spend as much time together as possible to form an unbreakable bond.

Results have been promising, showing proficiency in awareness and a strong will to survive. Tests will continue to operate in order to teach these robots to value their lives as much as a human (robots are not cheap!).

Teamwork makes the dream work. Watch the cooperative testing initiative bots work together!